How to Find A Good Husband For Women Who Need To Have It Spelled Out
This is the secret formula for finding a good husband that many women instinctively know, but others, like myself, need to have spelled out to them. I had one, short, horrible marriage in my early 20’s, and spent the next 20 years trying to find a good husband. Through excruciating trial and error, I finally figured it out. I married a wonderful man at the age of 43, and helped many of my friends, my daughter, and her friends take a short cut to finding the right man by following my technique. They all said that I should write it down, so here I am. Read, Learn, and Enjoy!
Meeting The Right Man
This is not as hard as it seems. Simply be willing to try dating, keep an open mind, and be patient. Opportunities sometimes come when you least expect them. Do what you would do if you weren’t looking for someone. Focus on your life, but also keep an eye for opportunities. For example, if a friend wants to set you up…go. Be available, but not on the hunt. This is the first step to attracting a man who will respect you.
The First Date
First of all, a date is where a man picks you up, takes you some place nice, and pays for it. Remember that. If someone you are interested in asks for anything less, say, “no thank you.” I used the word “respect” above, and that is the key to the whole process, much less a happy relationship with a man.
Men like to chase…..so let them. They also tend to marry someone they respect…..so make them. This early stage is very important…it sets the tone for the future. I believe you should let the man ask you for a date, don’t even bring up the subject. Be friendly, keep yourself attractive and healthy…that is all. Do not push, if he isn’t interested in dating you enough to ask for a date, let him go, he is not the right one. In the past, I would subtly pursue the men who didn’t seem interested in me at all, and the men who were genuinely smitten with me, were quickly dismissed. Two points to make from that: 1) We like men who are a little distant. Likewise, men prefer women who are a little hard to get. 2) Consider letting yourself be deeply loved by someone you don’t have too work hard to get…start giving those guys a chance.
Even if you have an incredible first date, and feel like you love him already, keep a little distant. Let him initiate all physical affection, do not, under any circumstance, have sex with him that night. Say “goodnight” politely….if you don’t get a kiss….all the better. If he is truly interested in having a serious relationship with you, he will come back for more.
First, I will clarify what this actually means. Dating is the period of time a couple spends getting to know each other. It means you spend time together, and spend time apart. It means you share experiences that give you information to decide if this is someone you want to live the rest of your life with. You are not “trying to get him to marry you” during this time….you are simply learning. I strongly suggest continuing the structure of the first date. If he asks you to “come over,” for example, and watch him work on some project, that is not a date, and diminishes who you are in the relationship….it says your time is not as important as his. Asking a girlfriend to “come over,” is a common request of men, and it doesn’t mean he is not a good man. It simply means, you must continue to set the rules on what you do when you spend time together, do not leave it up to him. If he asks you to “come over,” simply say “no thanks,” and wait for him to ask you out on a real date. No reason to get angry…just, no thanks.
Dating and Emotions
This can be very tricky, and it can often make or break a relationship. Men are different in this area, and it’s very important to remember it. For example, you had a really great date with him….there was intimacy, closeness, sparks…you are thrilled with this relationship…then he calls. He seems distant….doesn’t talk very long, and initiates an abrupt hang-up. You are devastated. Chances are, this is just him being a man. After a man has had a close emotional experience, he needs time away from it….this has nothing to do with you…it’s just what he needs to do to continue the relationship. If you expect this to happen, it will be easier to deal with. It may take every ounce of will-power you have, but do not pursue him at this time….let him go…very important! This is your time to catch up on errands, or do anything you might want to do without him. If he doesn’t call when he normally does….don’t panic. If a man is allowed to pull away emotionally, and come back when he is ready, he will come back with all the passion he had the last time you two shared a close time. Try letting him go, and watch the magic.
The way a man pulls away emotionally can also teach you a lot about him. There should be some consistency in his pattern of movement. If it is too inconsistent, or the times during which he is distant are unreasonably long, he may not be capable of a close, intimate, mature relationship where your needs will be met. Remember, don’t try to make him be someone he is not….just watch and learn. Gather the information so you can make the right decision.
Is He Mr. Right?
Remember, you are looking for someone to live the rest of your life with. Someone you can trust completely, and who makes you happy. It sounds simple, but it is easy for a man to cloud the issue with charm. Decide what are truly the traits most important to you in a man…and stick with them. For example, if you want a non-smoker, don’t date men who smoke. Eventually, the charm wears off, and you are left with just the behaviors, so make sure you can live with them. This doesn’t mean you should only date men who meet your qualifications precisely. Just don’t push unacceptable behavior under the rug. Let him know how you feel. Men have been known to change a bad habit or two when push comes to shove. This, of course, is something you work out during the dating process, not after you are married.
Popping The Question
First of all, if the man asks you to live with him, it is not a proposal. If you want a husband, don’t settle for less. I see it as disrespectful for a man to ask a woman to live with him. She is giving up the dignity of being a wife, to be a girlfriend who acts like a wife. Men typically do not want to jump into marriage. So the subject must be approached carefully.
My rule of thumb for even considering marriage is to date someone at least one full year. If things are going well by this time, you are probably spending a lot of time together…..more time than people who are just dating should. If he doesn’t bring up the subject of marriage….bring it up. Let him know that you expect his intensions to be honorable. Once again, it’s all about respect. Even a very good man may tell you adamantly that he isn’t ready for marriage. That is OK, you have said your piece. Continue dating him, be friendly, but a little distant. Maybe turn down a date, for instance. After all, he may never want to marry you, in which case, the relationship would need to end at some point. All women deserve the respect of a formal commitment.
One of two things will happen next. He will either surprise you with a proposal (they like to do that), or you will have to bring up the subject again. Let him think about it for a while. Sometimes that is all they need. If a considerable amount of time has gone by, let’s say, 9 months, and he hasn’t made any mention of marriage, it’s time to get to the nitty gritty. You most likely will be feeling resentful by now, especially if you are spending more and more time together….like husband and wife. It is time to get engaged or end the relationship. Just tell him how you feel. You are angry, you feel taken advantage of, and you deserve to be married. Again, because the man has resisted marriage doesn’t mean he isn’t a good man. It is just in their nature to resist. If it is meant to be, he will step up to the plate.
This is the first event of your lives that you are planning together. As happy as this occasion is, it can also generate a lot of stress and roller-coaster emotions. I believe your main goal should be to create an event that you will truly enjoy, and something that will reflect the spirit of this precious moment in your lives. My advice…..be honest, completely honest. Don’t worry about pleasing others….this is your day. Don’t be surprised if your husband-to-be doesn’t seem as interested in the wedding as you do…..again, this is normal for a man. I was happy to plan my wedding to suit my liking, and my husband was happy to plan the honeymoon. A simple division of labor kept us both busy, and out of each other’s hair. The wedding should comfortably accommodate the people you plan to invite within a reasonable budget. In other words, make a conscious effort to avoid as much stress as possible, so that you can truly enjoy the occasion. Weddings don’t need to be elaborate to be poignant.
Happily Ever After
So you’re married….yea!! But what happens now. It would seem that the game plan would have to change once you have achieved the goal. Actually, the rules don’t change. He isn’t your father, your brother, your son, your therapist, or your girlfriend…therefore, the game is still on. To keep the sparks alive, he still needs to chase you some times. That’s right…..continue to be independent. Distance and secrets aren’t always bad things. You have a life-time to get to know each other….there is no need to rush it. Surprises keep interest and romance alive.
You will also need to continue to set limits and the house rules that create a respectful atmosphere for yourself. In other words, he is still a man, so he still has some undesirable tendencies. This is not license for you to become a nag, however. Respect goes both ways. Be honest and respectful and enjoy!